Andromeda

Dylan and the Gang - Original versions of the jokes
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Dylan and the Gang - Original versions
Andromeda
Dylan and the Gang - Original Versions

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Harper's Mission

Dylan sent Harper to escort a Triumvir to the Andromeda Ascendant. The Triumvir, seeming very nervous, strapped himself into a flight seat beside Harper.

"Don't worry, Your Eminance," Harper said reassuringly. "This flight will be as smooth as a baby's behind!"

At that moment, an urgent message came through from Andromeda.

"Harper, quick! Get the Triumvir--"

A burst of static eradicated the rest of her message. Fearing the worst, Harper launched the landing craft immediately, sent it full thrust up in to the atmosphere, and shot like a comet toward the Andromeda.

White as a sheet, the Triumvir stumbled out of the landing craft into the hangar and out into the main corridor. Dylan and Rommie were waiting for him.

"Congratulations, Triumvir," Dylan said warmly.

"Yes," said Rommie. "You've earned special recognition today --"

"Don't congratulate me," the Triumvir said as Harper joined them. "It was all HIS doing."

Dylan looked at Harper in confusion. "I don't think --" he said.

The Triumvir cut him off. "No, I mean it. He did it all. It was unbelievable. I've never seen anything so fast."

Harper couldn't contain his pride. "Really, Dylan, it was nothing. I do it all the time."

Rommie and Dylan exchanged puzzled looks. "I don't think --" Rommie said.

"No, no, it's all right," the Triumvir said impatiently as his composure returned. "I insist you give Mr. Harper ALL the credit. It was completely his doing."

Dylan shrugged and turned to Harper. "All right," he said. "Congratulations, Mr. Harper. The Triumvir's wife just had a healthy baby boy."
These two jokes are the original versions of the stories about Dylan, Trance, and Tyr on a fishing trip and Dylan and Rev Bem while they went camping. We owe many thanks to Rowan in our Andromeda Forum for saving them and sharing them after our original copies had been lost in a server crash.

The sidebar with Harper's Mission is a new story, not previously shared anywhere else.

Dylan, Trance, and Tyr go fishing

Trance, Dylan, and Tyr decided to take some time off from righting wrongs, fighting injustice, and restoring the Commonwealth. So Tyr suggested they all go fishing.

Andromeda found a nice little planet with beautiful lakes, lots of sunshine, and affordable fishing licenses. So she dropped them off and Dylan rented a boat on one of the lakes.

They got out into the middle of the lake and suddenly Trance said, "Oh, no! We forgot our bait! Don't worry, I'll go get it!"

Next thing Dylan and Tyr knew, she had jumped over the side of the boat and went skipping across the water. Her tail wagged happily behind her as the two men watched in awe. A little while later Trance came back across the water with a bucket of bait and Dylan helped her into the boat. As he did he looked down.

So, they were just getting settled in and suddenly Dylan said, "Um, Trance. Did you bring any lunch?"

"Oh! I'm sorry, Dylan, I forgot!"

"Not a problem," Dylan replied. "I'll just go get us some sandwiches." So he hopped over the side of the boat and went sloshing off toward the pier. Tyr watched in amazement, blinking his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

A while later Dylan came walking back across the lake, still sloshing, and he climbed into the boat. Tyr was impressed. But he was also thirsty, so he said, "I'm going to go get us some drinks."

Before Dylan could say anything Tyr hopped over the side of the boat and fell into the water. Dylan and Trance quickly went over to the side and helped Tyr back in.

"Sorry about that, Tyr," Dylan said. "We should have told you about the rocks."

Trance looked at Dylan kind of strangely and said, "What rocks?"

Dylan and Rev Bem go camping

Dylan decided that if Rev Bem was going to be a part of Andromeda's crew, he would have to bring the Wayist up to speed on military procedures for non-combatant personnel. That included a survival course.

So Andromeda dropped them off on an extremely harsh planet. Dylan and Rev Bem spent the next 14 days enduring the worst possible environments. On the last night before they were to be picked up, they found a cozy little hill-top and lay down to sleep.

But Rev couldn't sleep so he nudged Dylan, who was exhausted.

"Dylan," he said.

"Yes, Rev," Dylan replied sleepily.

"Look up and tell me what you see."

So Dylan opened his eyes, looked up, and he saw a sky filled with stars.

"I see stars, Rev. Millions and billions of stars."

"And what does that tell you, my friend?"

Dylan thought for a moment and he said, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets, and that the universe is a pretty big place."

"I see," said Rev. Realizing this wasn't the answer Rev expected, Dylan thought for a moment.

"Also," he said, "Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow will be a beautiful day with a great sunrise. Beka won't have any trouble picking us up in the Maru."

"Ah huh," Rev said in wistful agreement. Realizing this still wasn't the answer Rev expected, Dylan thought for another moment.

"Well, theologically," Dylan said finally, "it tells me that the universe is immense, and that if there is a Divine being he is truly great and we infinitely small."

Rev Bem was silent, and Dylan decided he couldn't stand the guessing game any longer. "So, what does it tell you, Rev?"

Rev cleared his throat. "It tells me that we are not alone on this planet."

Dylan looked over at Rev in surprise. "How do you know that by looking at the stars?"

"Because someone has stolen our tent," Rev answered.

Trance and Harper
Gambling in the Systems Commonwealth
Dylan and the gang
Dylan and the gang originals
Trance Tales

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